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Bullies bully people who feel insecure about
themselves. That's why it's the disabled, the mentally challenged,
and the bookworms who are the targets. I was picked
on because I had bug-eyed glasses and strange clothes. I was
larger and overly eccentric to top it all off, and I'm Korean,
which accounted for racism. As long as I turned red and hung
my head, the bullies kept picking at me like vultures. Being
the "strange" kid wasn't easy, and the teasing continued
from elementary to middle school.
There were a bunch of boys in town who went
on my bus every day. They were typical teenage boys; interested
in sports, pretty girls, and very egotistical. In fact, when
others thought they were complimenting me, they were really
just getting their kicks from my helplessness. Swan was my
nickname. It was coined by a bully I had in fourth grade,
and it was revived again during middle school.
~*~*~
Six boys ambled onto the bus, making obscene
jokes and punching each other. I was in the back, ignoring
them. Yesterday, I had received a solo for my upcoming choral
concert, and announced it on the bus...a big mistake.
"Swan, why don't you sing for us?"
one boy turned to face me, his eyes smirking.
I froze. I was proud of my singing; what was this guy trying
to get at?
Another boy spun around. "C'mon, Swanster, give us a
few notes! I think you should be on American Idol!"
My first instinct was to beam. Almost immediately, I doubted
myself. I couldn't be THAT good, solo or not. The bus was
silent, waiting with baited breath for my response. It was
the morning; I was bound to croak. It'd be better to stay
silent. I shook my head, slouching in my seat.
Disappointment filled the air. The whining
started.
A girl in front of me turned around. "Kate, sing. They
won't stop."
Everyone else nodded. What else could I do? The whole bus
was against me, and ten minutes were left of the bus ride.
As I opened my mouth, my throat went tight. The silence was
suffocating, and I wanted to cry.
I sang softly, my voice quivering. My hands
clenched as the boys leaned over to each other, snickering.
I knew it, they were just ridiculing me! As the notes got
higher, I sang more meekly, starting to mumble. Finally, my
voice cracked and they burst into laughter. It was the most
horrible experience. I buried my face in my hands. I always
failed, what good was I? I was bound to a life of humiliation.
~*~*~
Later in the school year, I started to change.
I began to like myself. My solo in the concert went well but
I wanted to be even better, so I signed up for voice lessons
at a professional studio.
Eventually, I changed items in my life I
had control over. I got smaller glasses that made me look
pretty, not nerdy, and I started watching what I ate and became
thinner. My body was changing by itself as well, and looked
more graceful, not awkward.
My self confidence transcended, and the
boys on my bus saw the change. Soon, I decided to show them
who was boss. I sang once more at the end of the school year,
and this time, I didn't croak. One of the boys even developed
a crush on me. I noticed the difference, and I wondered why
and how I had changed so much.
I didn't change myself on the inside; I
wasn't at all friends with the popular girls in my school.
I didn't wear makeup...I buy clothes from salvation army.
What was different?
Then came the realization. Bullies pick
on kids who don't love themselves; that had been my problem
all along. I never loved myself for who I was. When I started
finding my true self, I began to see what the real me liked,
and I reveled in it. I found someone who I was comfortable
being, and I liked myself.
The boys on my bus still call me Swan, and
I think it's a cool nickname. I know I can't change some things,
so I accept them with grace because I know bullies don't target
someone who's confident. If you love yourself enough and believe
that you're perfect the way you are, others will recognize
that and not bully you.
You can't expect others to love you,
if you can't love yourself first.
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